I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We are all done wearing pants today
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
