had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
