the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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