what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
