The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
