Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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