I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.