My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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