just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.