So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
