i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
