did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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