Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
