After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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