It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i will never coherently bang her
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
