I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
