Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
