Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
