if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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