Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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