if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
