once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have tasted many bathrooms
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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