I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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