So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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