my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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