1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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