I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
