I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
