you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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