You just made me feel so damn special
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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