we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
