Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When did angry sex become our thing?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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