yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
