Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
