it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
