She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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