So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
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If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
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Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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