Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
