Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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