Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He better not be in your backpack
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
