history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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