Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do vagina's smell?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
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Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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