wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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