we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
as a side note pls kill me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
