I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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