please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
