Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
