Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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