Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
