If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
