Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
