I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
