there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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