I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
