her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
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No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?