my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
