Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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