I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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