New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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